My Worst Essay

If I could bring anyone from history back to life, it would be the fearsome pirate Blackbeard. For me, the road to self-actualization began the first time I ever set something on fire. I have many interests, including but not limited to sharks, bread, and the Archduke Franz Ferdinand. A problem I would like to solve is global poverty, and also the rampant misconception that Thin Mints are the best Girl Scout Cookie when clearly it is Tagalongs. I think the biggest issue facing society today is that we as a species can’t decide if the waffle taco is inherently good or evil. One time I overcame adversity by just, like, trying really hard. Ernest Hemingway once said, “Write drunk, edit sober,” so with that in mind I’d like to make a confession.

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BUT I musta cobbled this together the night before my application was due. “Ideals and principles.” I musta been tryna make the essay longer to make it seem better. Not only was it badly-written but I clearly didn’t become a doctor (see: the fact that I was bullshitting).

Procrastination has been one of my skills for a very long time. I bet I set the margins to this essay to 2 inches around the border too. “My desire does not warrant itself on what my family thinks, but because I genuinely like to help people. “I have not decided yet, but emergency medicine is one of the medical areas that I am considering. “The diseases the doctors deal with and treat are real, and it proves to be an educational show. I was Psychology Pre-Med when I started college but after getting the first Ds of my academic career back to back in Chemistry 1 and 2, I dropped that pre-med with a quickness. The one thing that I DID mean in this essay was that I wanted to help people in some way and today, I help folks laugh. Have any of you gone back to read some of your high school and college essays?

I get a lot of questions about college application essays. So the real question students should be asking is: “How do I write an application essay that admissions officers notice?

I want to say, “These are the wrong questions.” Admissions officers say that 80% of the essays they read are ineffective.

The best place to talk about anomalies in your school record, simply and matter-of-factly, is in the Additional Information section of the Common Application (or other app).

It’s also helpful to talk to your counselor and ask if they are able to write about this in their recommendation letter.

Shamefully, I will present some of the foolery I wrote to y’all, and why this essay sucked so much. “Initially, it was because my family members always told me how intelligent I was, and that I would grow up to become one. I realize that I could help people by becoming a firefighter or a police officer, but I do not think that I could measure up to their brazenness, especially in light of recent traumatic events. In fact, ER is one of my favorite television shows. I admire the “doctors,” and the way they think fast, and on their feet. “Each year I’ve attended high school, I’ve taken a science class. The things I learn in this class will prove crucial in the medical field, which is all about microorganisms and the way they invade the body.” GIRL BYE!!! And then I had a come to Jesus moment with myself and realized that I don’t even LIKE hospitals. Did you fall out your chair from embarrassment like I did?

Now that I have matured, and have become capable of forming my own ideals and principles, I still would like to become a doctor.” Ummmm… I just feel that I am meant to be in the medical field.” 9/11 had just happened 2 months before I wrote this essay so I’m basically saying I’m a punk. Also, who told me that these professions were the only ways I could help people? Although I realize that the situations are fictional, they seem to ring true.” Teenage me is OFFICIALLY on timeout. Who says they wanna become a doctor because of ER?!? I like watching them save people with a command to the nurse or a compression of the chest. “I realize that a doctor’s life can be very stressful. The stress is little price to pay for the rewards that come with being a doctor. My dumbass was really outchea telling them that I’m ready to become a doctor because I took honors microbiology (which I’m pretty sure I didn’t get an A in).

I mean, I had correct grammar and syntax and all that but the content was just a mess. Praise Him for growth because this essay was *Jean-Ralphio voice* THE WORST!

The thing is that I’ve always gotten As and whatnots on my papers and English has always been my strong suit. This essay was so bad that the word bad filed a restraining order against me for sullying its name.

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