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I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ: "We will heel you. We will even dye for you." Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Place to do upholstery Rectum......................... But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx Wonderful Items From Actual Student Papers 1.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. (a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock (b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock 2. (a) Rebel Without A Cause (b) Blackboard Jungle (c) The Wild Ones 3. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.'' (a) Loved (b) Kissed (c) Met 20. * * * * * * * * * * 1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock 2.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? Chuck Berry sang ''Oh, ___________, why can't you be true? ''Wooly _______'' (a) Mammouth (b) Bully (c) Pully 22.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named: (a) Mac Heath (b) Mac Cloud (c) Mc Namara 9. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. A neighbourhood in Rome Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her Colic............................... What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section........ A punctuation mark Dilate.............................. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. (a) Kansas City (b) Heartbreak Hotel (c) Blueberry Hill 5. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''? In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher: (a) Little Richard (b) Frankie Lymon (c) Tony Orlando 12. ..'' (a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues (c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise 24. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.'' (a) Good Golly, Miss Molly (b) Be-Bop-A-Lula (c) Tutti Fruitti 10. Call your plumber." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. " At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. Cheaper than day rates Node............................. Jones, at your cervix."; In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place."; On a Plumber's truck : "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. A person who has fainted Pelvis........................... Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative.............. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. Year 2 might reform “w” spelling, so that “which” and “one” would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish “y” replasing it with “i” and iear 4 might fiks the “g/j” anomali wonse and for all.Generally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeiniing voist and unvoist konsonants.